Conversation Planner · for managers
How to talk to an employee who gets defensive about feedback
Read the approach below, or skip ahead and get a plan written for your own situation.
Plan my conversation — free ↓Why the usual approach fails
Defensiveness is a response to feeling judged. Pushing harder ("you're not listening") confirms the judgment. What works is the opposite of instinct: shrink the topic to one specific moment, state your intent, and ask for their view before you give yours.
How to open
"I'd like to talk through one moment from last week, and I want to be clear up front — this isn't a judgment on you. I think there's something here that would make your work easier, and I'd like to hear how you saw it first."
Ask before you tell
- "How did that situation look from your side?"
- "If you ran it again, is there anything you'd do differently?"
- "What's the most useful way for me to raise things like this with you?"
What to agree before you leave the room
One change they name themselves, however small. People defend against your idea and commit to their own.
Make it yours — free
Edit the details below to match your situation and get a full five-step COACH plan by email.
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Built on the COACH method by Jon Kludt, Business Coach · Certified EOS Implementer® · thecoachconversation.com